Grieving with a Backpack On

The inevitable is happening – turning sixty is only a few years away, so what better time to experience a new adventure? When my children were young, my husband, Matt, often took them backpacking, teaching them about his lifelong passion. I, on the other hand, had no interest whatsoever to carry a pack on my back. But since birthdays seemingly arrive faster and getting older is a sure thing, I was inspired to try something new. When the summer of 2017 came around, I told him I was ready to wear that pack and leave my footprints on the trail. I had enjoyed listening to my family’s tales of their past trips, but now I longed to be the narrator of my own stories.

Their trips were weekend get-a-ways, and although Matt had gone on two 50-milers in the past, these short outings were a subtle way of introducing backpacking to his family and much more manageable for his family. And so, my first trip was on a weekend in July, backpacking in Point Reyes not far from home. After pulling into the parking lot on a Friday afternoon, we “suited up” and I almost toppled over, feeling a bit like Lucille Ball in one of her slapstick scenes – although I managed to find balance eventually. 

When we found the trailhead, I had to document this new beginning with some photos, then we were on our way. The trail was fairly easy with a few minor inclines and dips. I tried to enjoy the scenery, but I was fixated on each step in my what-felt-like “moon” boots. The bulkiness took some getting used to, but it was humbling to carry everything I needed on my back. After just over an hour, we arrived at Coast Camp, sweaty and slightly dirty. Our site was nothing fancy, but it came with a picnic table which proved to be convenient. We set up the tent and made our wilderness bedroom as comfortable as possible. The trip was off to a great start…

We hiked around local trails, reveling in the beauty of the wildflowers – shades of yellows, reds, pinks, and purples – while the bees serenaded. We trekked down to the beach a few times where the temperature had dropped and the wind lost its temper. The ocean inhaled then exhaled, greeting us with a palpable roughness as if to say, “Don’t you dare come in.” We wouldn’t dare, but the sight was beautiful just the same. After trekking back to our campsite, we had a reaffirmed respect for the ocean.

Our dinners were convenient consisting of freeze-dried backpacking food such as beef stroganoff and chicken and dumplings. Occasionally, we indulged in our favorite desserts – raspberry crumble or apple crisp. All we had to do for hot meal preparation was heat water, pour, stir, wait a few minutes, and dinner was ready. In the morning when the sun rose, we had oatmeal and that cup of coffee, which hit the spot. Fruit, cheese, nuts, and sometimes, a little salami and crackers served as lunch. We definitely did not lack in nutrition or hunger.

We appreciated moments of sitting together in silence, reading, enjoying nature’s entertainment, or watching other hikers pass by. Everyone offered a familiar wave as though we were all members of the same backpacking club out for a weekend. Other than an unexpected allergy attack, the trip was a success. When Sunday morning arrived, knowing it was time to pack up and leave, I was sad that this amazing experience was coming to an end, yet I was eager for a hot shower. The drive home was picturesque on the quiet country roads with only the cows lifting their heads to see us as we drove by. We drifted into silence, absorbing the wonderful adventure we had together. A few days later, we jumped into the planning stages for our next adventure to Shealor Lakes in the Sierra for the following month.

Sometimes though, plans do not always work out. Soon after our July trip, my dad’s health suddenly weakened. He began having heart trouble, which initiated a much-needed hospital visit. Dad was ninety-seven years old, but surprisingly, he had never suffered through any major health issues. My family had no reason to believe he would not get the chance to blow out ninety-eight candles in two months. The only pain we knew he felt was missing Mom – his wife of sixty-seven years who had passed away five years prior. Dad was poked, prodded, and x-rayed, and after only three days in the hospital, he peacefully passed away.

It was all so strange – losing my dad, and at the same time having planned the trip. After talking to my sisters, they encouraged us to stick with our original plans. “It’s what Dad would want,” they said. I was unsure, but after much thought, we took my sisters’ advice. Yet, the slight guilt of going while it was all so fresh could not be ignored. If Dad was still in the hospital, I would have stayed, but he was at peace now, no longer suffering. In some otherworldly way, I felt his approval.

We began our four-hour drive a few days after Dad’s passing. After arriving, we unloaded our stuff and “suited up” just like on our first trip. While we prepared and packed, as well as on the drive, Matt repeated to me, “It’s only a mile and a half to the lake!” What he failed to mention was that the hike entailed an ascent over a huge granite dome. I stared at the dome that I was about to embark on and became anxious because I did not feel physically prepared. But Matt’s confidence in my ability was apparent, so we began the uphill hike. What was I going to do, back out now?

After hiking for forty-five minutes, we reached the top, and when I looked down that sleek granite dome, I was amazed at what I had achieved. Never underestimate our abilities. On the other side, Shealor Lake was in full view. We gave our legs a short rest, quenched our thirst and souls with water that tasted better than ever, then headed downhill with the enticing pull of the lake’s beauty. As we neared the bottom, my emotions ran wild. I felt relieved that we finally made it, but a sudden wave of grief washed over me. We removed our packs and rested on a nearby log. I was so overwhelmed that I did not fight the tears. I let them roll down my cheeks with purpose. I cried for the loss of Dad and I cried for having completed this hike that I did not think I was capable of. I would have wiggled out graciously had I known the details much earlier.

Once the last tear had fallen, I composed myself and looked to the lake. The water was a jeweled phenomenon. It sparkled, inviting us for a swim. While we set up our back-country camp, the orange-hot sun blazed down on us as if we had drastically turned up the thermostat, so the cool lake water soothed our sun-kissed skin. The fact that we were all alone in this canyon full of forest and smooth granite was beyond welcoming. The tranquility offered me the chance to reminisce about Dad and my parents together. The solitude afforded a perfect destination to grieve, think, remember, and cry. Mourning the loss of one parent was difficult enough, but losing both felt surreal – a new stage of life had begun.

This Sierra adventure provided a chance for hiking and granite-rock hopping. The sun was our alarm clock, bidding us good morning and night as it rose and faded behind the hills. In the evenings, we sat mesmerized by the campfire’s dancing flames and were enchanted by the dark, star-sprinkled sky. No matter where we explored, magic wrapped us in its warm embrace. This trip challenged my mind, body, and soul. I gained insight into my deepest being, learning not to limit myself. This amazing destination and experience proved to be the best medicine.

I approached that summer with enthusiasm for a new adventure to backpack and I am proud of my ascent over the granite dome. I often wonder if my grieving process would have been more difficult had I not agreed to go on the second trip. I will never know, but I believe I made the right choice at a time when my life unfortunately shifted in a hard-to-process direction. I thanked my sisters for encouraging us to go; their intuition knew it would be the right thing to do. Now, I can honestly say that my footprints are embedded in Point Reyes and the Sierra, and I am grateful to finally be my own narrator. I know Dad would be proud and I can not wait for a new story to emerge on the horizon.

Lauren Scott (c) 2020

 

 

 

Accomplishments

This past Saturday was our son’s college graduation from UC Davis. He majored in Political Science and minored in Communications. We’re so proud of his accomplishments and can’t wait to see where his next adventure takes him. My husband and I are now proud parents of two UC Davis grads, and the college days have ended. 🙂

This leads me into sharing some wise quotes on chasing dreams and being true to yourself at the same time:

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” 
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Always believe in yourself and always stretch yourself beyond your limits. Your life is worth a lot more than you think because you are capable of accomplishing more than you know. You have more potential than you think, but you will never know your full potential unless you keep challenging yourself and pushing beyond your own self imposed limits.” 
~ Roy T. Bennett

“Dreams become regrets when left in the mind, never planted in the soil of action.” 
~ Auliq-Ice

“The point of dreams was never to be the affordable option, it was the one everyone else saw as a mistake and every creative person saw as an opportunity.” 
~ Anastasia Bolinder

“Remember your dreams and fight for them. You must know what you want from life. There is just one thing that makes your dream become impossible: the fear of failure.”
~ Paulo Coelho

SO, CHEERS TO REACHING FOR THE STARS AND TOUCHING THAT FINISH LINE. BUT…CHEERS TO ALSO TRYING YOUR HARDEST, MAYBE FAILING, THEN HAVING THE COURAGE AND PERSEVERANCE TO GET BACK UP AGAIN! 🎉🎉🎉

 

Wishes, New Days, & Popcorn!

dandelion arctic

Visualize it: Close your eyes. Get in the zone, and focus solely on your wish – Nothing else!  Another idea is to make a Vision Board. Have you heard of these? Cut out photos from magazines that represent your wish. Or, if you’re super creative and skilled, you could draw, draw, draw! 

Believe it: Don’t let the face of doubt stare you down into a puddle of self-pity.
Don’t let the hand of
negativity hold you down in the sinkhole of “I can’ts.”

Do it: Take action! If you think by sitting on your sofa – remote in one hand, popcorn in the other – is going to make your wish a reality…think again! 

Image result for making wishes come true

“Do the thing and you will have the power.”
~Ralph Waldo Emerson

(It’s as simple as that.) 

 

New Day, New Dreams

Today’s a new day
for that baby step
Don’t even look back
just take a deep breath

 Don’t listen to words
that may keep you still
Optimism is your friend
along with your will

 Keep your dreams in view
not allowing them to stray
With fear on the sidelines
You Can Be Brave

 Instead of your heart
wear strength on your sleeve
Stay focused with soul
and in Yourself, Believe!

So, did you make a wish?
If so, what are you going to do about it?

 

Lauren Scott © 2018
Photos: LScott/SabrinaFair
Image: I wish – Google
Poem from my book,
New Day, New Dreams

Just Go For It!

 

 

Accomplish picassa with Sabrina's photo 2015

 

In honor of our daughter’s university graduation, I found this quote, which I thought was perfect for today’s festivities and celebrations. The gorgeous photo is from my good friend, Sabrina.

Our daughter has persevered not only academically but also personally and today she’ll walk across the finish line with a Bachelor’s Degree in hand. To say we’re proud doesn’t even cover all the emotions. 🙂

So go out and Live, Dream, Act and Believe!

Sending much love, Lauren ♥

“Walking the Talk”

Have you ever “talked” about “doing” something, but never did it? I have, so I’ve chosen this year “for doing” and I’m excited to say that my first poetry book is in the production process. I am publishing it through Xlibris and they have been really great to work with. It is expected to be released in October.

Most importantly, I’m dedicating the book to my parents, In Loving Memory of Mom. I wish I had committed to it before she passed away, but I can only move forward now and do it for Dad. Anyway, I just thought of sharing some exciting news and am proud of myself for finally “walking the talk!” 🙂

I also know several other friends who are publishing books, so this truly is the year “for doing!” I’m excited to read them all!

Thanks for visiting and I wish you
a wonderful weekend ahead
and encourage you to…

MAKE THINGS HAPPEN!

doing

Photo: Google Images